Follow ellenpotter on Twitter

MY BOOKCASE
  • Amazing Grace
    Amazing Grace
    by Megan Shull
  • Violet Takes The Cake (Sister Magic)
    Violet Takes The Cake (Sister Magic)
    by Anne Mazer
  • Harriet the Spy
    Harriet the Spy
    by Louise Fitzhugh
  • The Mennyms
    The Mennyms
    by Sylvia Waugh
  • The Secret Garden
    The Secret Garden
    by Frances Hodgson Burnett
  • The Westing Game (Puffin Modern Classics)
    The Westing Game (Puffin Modern Classics)
    by Ellen Raskin
« THE BOY IN THE SCARF | Main | Happy Birthday, SPILLING INK! »
Monday
Jul262010

The Big Fat Lie of The Author Bio

DateMonday, July 26, 2010 at 09:22AM

I have a confession to make. Every time I read an author’s bio I become insanely jealous. Authors always seem to be nestled in valleys or perched on mountains, surrounded by adoring spouses and a gaggle of little ones who don’t need any help wiping. When the bio says “She has five golden retrievers” I can quite plainly see them all sitting obediently at the author’s feet in her well-appointed writing room, their coats gleaming from a meticulous brushing. I can see said-author tapping away at her computer keys, glancing up every now and then to gaze contemplatively at the mountain/valley/ocean view from her writing room. A knock on the door.

“Honey, would you like a fresh cup of coffee?”

“Yes, my love. Are the children behaving?”

“Like angels. Don’t worry your pretty head about them.”

Ahhh.

When you squish an author’s life down to three or four sentences, you can’t help but make it sound enviable. Tidy, picturesque. No bad smells. It’s just not fair.

Never, NEVER does an author bio say:

“She lives in a house which is perpetually being renovated by boozy, perspiring construction guys, located on a woody road plagued with black flies in the summer and black ice in the winter.  She is surrounded by her loving family who do not pick up after themselves and leave the soy milk out of the refrigerator all night. Her poorly-groomed dogs have chronic ear infections. She spends her days trying to find time to shower. Oh, and also, she writes.

See, now THERE is an honest author bio. That’s all I’m saying.

AuthorEllen | Comment24 Comments |

References (1)

References allow you to track sources for this article, as well as articles that were written in response to this article.
  • Response
    Response: Story added
    at sympoze on July 29, 2010
    Your story was featured in sympoze! Here is the link to vote it up and promote it: http://www.sympoze.com/symtest/node/1476

Reader Comments (24)

Thank you Ellen for that hilarious post! Finally someone says out loud what I've always hoped was true! I get major "jealousies"whenever I read authors bios, which is daily now, and wonder how so many get such wonderful lives when I am not able to write by the seaside and live on a sprawling ranch with my two lovely kids.

Perfect remedy for a monday!
Cheers!

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

Hah! From my Amazon author bio:

"But the sad reality is that Michael's a rootless, disconnected, indifferently-educated, sullen, obnoxious, disaffected misanthrope. With no hair. I mean seriously: look at the man's head. Do you see hair? No."

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermichael grant

Ok, the Honest Author Bio movement has offcially begun! All hairless, slovenly, nice view-less, lovely kids-less authors unite.

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

My boys are not angels, my house hovers at some stage between somewhat and never clean and my dog gets a rash if he even thinks about walking near the bushes down the street. I write when I can but I seem to suffer a severe case of writers block whenever the boys are home, which means I write NOTHING during the summer. Welcome to the real world of a picture book author.

Great Post Ellen

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSuzanne Santillan

Hilarious. Thanks for this. Hopefully our fiction reflects that our lives are messy and broken, even if our bios are dolled up.

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMitali Perkins

Steve and his wife have given up a bedroom, an office, and a sewing room to the gradual but inevitable takeover of their toddler. They pass out before nine most nights in a tiny attic bedroom in the hottest, darkest corner of their unkempt house, which is covered in dog hair and has been steadily losing value for three years.

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

Ha! I love this. You're right. Everyone either seems to live in a posh NYC apartment, or on the coast of Maine or something.

"Laurel Snyder worked her way through college in a variety of crappy waitressing jobs. In her twenties, she almost dropped out of the prestigious Iowa Writers' Workshop because she found her fellow students intimidating. She now lives far from her family in Atlanta, which is a sprawling mess of a city, because her husband has a corporate job there, as well as a crappy commute. While Laurel's two small boys are the light of her life, the fact that she doesn't have anything like full time childcare makes it hard for her to get her writing done. All this said, she wouldn't trade places with anyone. Not even for a charming cottage on the coast of Maine."

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurel Snyder

Oh, and also, I feel like I outed myself already, with video and all:

http://vimeo.com/1391553

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurel Snyder

Now these are author bios I can get behind!

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

BJ Muntain was raised on the wide Canadian prairies, where the wide expanse of stars at night inspire some of the strangest imaginations. Two Shih Tzus share the ragged pseudo-suburban bungalow: Koko, the cranky old dog who has already earned some notoriety on the Internet; and Little Miss -- a.k.a. Little Girl Dog or LGD on Twitter -- who is gaining her own fame by driving her owner to distraction with hyperactivity and social skills few writers can keep up with.

We won't describe the house more than that, except it's obvious two spoiled little dogs live there. Oh, and it's close enough to the edge of the sprawling Saskatchewan city that the northern lights can sometimes be seen when out on the street at 1 a.m. on a cold winter night while waiting for a little old dog to find the perfect place to do his business.

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBJ Muntain

LOVE this! And, why not? We all should be so truthful and bold!!

Melissa

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa Taylor

I loved this. You inspired me!

http://novaren.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/a-more-honest-author-bio/

July 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternova

Ellen, you've started a movement: the honest author bio. As an offshoot, here's my honest author office. Every available surface in my writing room is covered by a whirlwind of papers, letters, books, purses, miscellaneous plastic bags, old bills, clothes that should have been a) washed or b) taken to the dry cleaners long ago and, oh, yeah, gym bags and last winter's boots. I scrawl ideas on old envelopes, the backs of bills, multiple notebooks, and then can never find them again. Only my file cabinets are neat, but that's because I let my husband organize them. (I had to leave the room while he did it.) My current debate is whether to Skype honestly and let everyone see the mess I work in, or whether to take my computer down to my husband's (immaculate) office and pretend to work there.

Loved this post and everyone's comments!

July 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

HA! Well clearly your honest author office is magic since you've produced your books there! I wouldn't change a thing. And yes, oh yes, Skype honestly. How else will kids know what their offices will look like if they become authors??

July 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

Okay, I did an extended dance mix:

http://laurelsnyder.com/2010/07/29/the-big-fat-lie/

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurel Snyder

I did it too! http://kellybarnhill.wordpress.com/2010/07/29/in-which-kelly-barnhill-admits-to-lying-again/

Bios with bad breath, body odor and beastly secrets. I think it could be a revolution.

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkelly barnhill

Finally, got what I was looking for!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. Glad I stumbled into this article! smile I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post
传奇私服

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter传世私服

Cheap christian louboutin Sale, Pumps, Boots,christian louboutin pumps, Wedges, christian louboutin shoesUp to 75% OFF, Free Worldwide Shipping.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristian
Page 1 2 Next 20 Comments Most Recent Comment »

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>

Notify me of follow-up comments via email.